Does this explain it a bit?

"Substantial documentation exists in scientific literature of the association between CM and a broad range of emotional, behavioral, and physical health problems. These consequences may vary depending on a child’s age when victimized, duration and severity of the abuse or neglect, the child’s innate resiliency, and co-occurrence with other maltreatment or adverse exposures such as the mental health of the parents, substance abuse by the parents, or violence between parents."
(CDC - ACE study - Preventing Child Maltreatment through the Promotion of Safe, Stable, and Nurturing Relationships between children and Caregivers. http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/CM_Strategic_Direction--Long-a.pdf )

It really makes me get angry with myself when I think of what happened and my overall long term reaction to it all. Because I think to myself - who are you to get so fucked up over what - by comparison to so many - is really quite minor. Now I realise that this is part of my minimise/denial strategy but it doesn't stop the knee jerk hate myself/you don't deserve to feel like this reaction.

I really struggle to accept that I have so many "classic indicators" of a survivor of sexual abuse. I struggle because even after 15 months seeing a therapist, and I still want to deny that it was so bad - some days it takes her to remind me - she reminds me that I struggled to get away, she reminds me that I had no control when he came in my room, she reminds me that they pinned me down. And still I get so scared that I try to justify what happened - I don't want him to get in trouble. I love him but I hate him.

Why can't I?

I just read Elizabeth Beck's latest blog post, and it made me cry. Again. She said you can never have too many friends. I find it hard to make friends. Real friends. Friends I can trust, friends I can turn to when I feel like I do tonight - sad, alone, when the desire to not be here starts flashing again. I know I'm stronger than that, I look at my boys and know I need to be here for them, but the monster whispers in my head that I'm fucking them up too - if only I could make the strong decisions, somewhere inside I think I'm probably strong enough to make it on my own, other women do, surely I can do it too.

Tonight I thought the boys and I were going out for dinner at a friends house. I thought I had organised it on Sunday. But when I rang this afternoon her husband answered the phone and he knew nothing about it, he suggested maybe later this week - even though I thought he knew we were going away tomorrow. In my head I crumpled. As irrational as I knew it was I knew that what had happened was that they had got sick of my shit. You see, one of my goals in therapy has been to trust more - to open up with a couple of close friends about what is happening, what happened before. And I have trusted his wife, my friend. At the same time as this has been happening my husbands drinking has got worse, his verbal mind games have got worse and there are times I have been afraid of him. He is burning bridges around the community and damaging friendships. And I am scared my friends have had enough. Maybe it's just too hard to maintain the friendship with me. Maybe I'm just too much, too fucked up. I didn't know all this shit was inside of me. I'm sorry.