Circles of abuse

My life seems to be a canvas of interlinking and never ending circles - even though I would like to claim that it is a carefully controlled and linear landscape.

I just re-read a blog post by Cruiseroo Vigaland: Out From Under  where she wrote about women who stay so long in abusive relationships - her post was specific to women escaping from the control of their abusive fathers.  I didn't have to face that - it all stopped as I got older and my father was not abusive. But I have struggled and still have days of total denial that my husband, the man I met at 18 and married at 22, the man I have lived with and loved for 22 years, the man who would stand up for me with all his being if anyone ever hurt me, the man who works to provide support services to families in need, families experiencing trauma and abuse, has created an environment of abuse for my children and I. This same man is an alcoholic, who has controlled so many facets of my life, who has a mean and manipulative side that emerges when he drinks, a side that emerged more and more over the years, a man that I have lost trust in and even begun to fear. And I don't understand how it got to this place.

So, Cruiseroo asks the question - why do women stay in abusive relationships? My answer is there are so many reasons ... denial that it is really that bad - he never hit me therefore it wasn't that bad

FEAR - such a big one. The fear that no-one would see beyond the nice guy, no one would believe me - the same fear that stopped me from ever telling as a child. The fear that he was right and I would not be able to cope on my own - that our son, a child with behaviour problems, would be unmanageable, that I would not be able to financially survive - such a huge trigger for me. The fear that in leaving him it would trigger the rage that lies beneath his surface and that his manipulation and nastiness would escalate with me as the target. He has always boasted that he destroys anyone who crosses or hurts him - and I have witnessed him do this.

My children -everyone tells you to not stay in a relationship for the children's sake - I know this, and yet I did. I shut my eyes and told myself that it did not effect them, that they were okay.

But, I have become a stronger woman, through therapy, through setting goals to let friends into my life, to trust them, to share with them the true me and the truth of my life, they have validated that I truly am okay, that I am worth it, that what I experience isn't normal, it isn't okay for me or my children.

And so when he woke me to inform me that he had written a letter to me, and he read it out, giving the ultimatum to stop being miserable or to separate, I didn't burst into tears, I didn't beg him this time to stay, this time I didn't promise to be better - I quietly agreed that we had reached the end, that I couldn't do any more to make our marriage work.

That was a month ago. And I am surviving, and perhaps even thriving at times. I AM stronger than I thought possible, I no longer return home anxious to see if he is home or not, if he is sober or not, if he has taken the children with him out drinking. I am safe, my children are safe. And we are getting there.

And the circles ARE there, I am slowly recognising the patterns of behaviour, the patterns which were laid down as a child, when I had no control, when I believed I deserved no control, when I didn't believe I was worthy of controlling what happened to me or my body. Now I take back the control, not in the wide sweeping swathes that the adult me wishes to gather, but instead in small baby steps which do not scare the child inside who struggles to believe that this will be okay. But she is learning and gaining confidence, and with each small baby step, those confused interlinking circles are untangled and a new picture is emerging.

Why can't I?

I just read Elizabeth Beck's latest blog post, and it made me cry. Again. She said you can never have too many friends. I find it hard to make friends. Real friends. Friends I can trust, friends I can turn to when I feel like I do tonight - sad, alone, when the desire to not be here starts flashing again. I know I'm stronger than that, I look at my boys and know I need to be here for them, but the monster whispers in my head that I'm fucking them up too - if only I could make the strong decisions, somewhere inside I think I'm probably strong enough to make it on my own, other women do, surely I can do it too.

Tonight I thought the boys and I were going out for dinner at a friends house. I thought I had organised it on Sunday. But when I rang this afternoon her husband answered the phone and he knew nothing about it, he suggested maybe later this week - even though I thought he knew we were going away tomorrow. In my head I crumpled. As irrational as I knew it was I knew that what had happened was that they had got sick of my shit. You see, one of my goals in therapy has been to trust more - to open up with a couple of close friends about what is happening, what happened before. And I have trusted his wife, my friend. At the same time as this has been happening my husbands drinking has got worse, his verbal mind games have got worse and there are times I have been afraid of him. He is burning bridges around the community and damaging friendships. And I am scared my friends have had enough. Maybe it's just too hard to maintain the friendship with me. Maybe I'm just too much, too fucked up. I didn't know all this shit was inside of me. I'm sorry.