"Substantial documentation exists in scientific literature of the association between CM and a broad range of emotional, behavioral, and physical health problems. These consequences may vary depending on a child’s age when victimized, duration and severity of the abuse or neglect, the child’s innate resiliency, and co-occurrence with other maltreatment or adverse exposures such as the mental health of the parents, substance abuse by the parents, or violence between parents."
(CDC - ACE study - Preventing Child Maltreatment through the Promotion of Safe, Stable, and Nurturing Relationships between children and Caregivers. http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/CM_Strategic_Direction--Long-a.pdf )
It really makes me get angry with myself when I think of what happened and my overall long term reaction to it all. Because I think to myself - who are you to get so fucked up over what - by comparison to so many - is really quite minor. Now I realise that this is part of my minimise/denial strategy but it doesn't stop the knee jerk hate myself/you don't deserve to feel like this reaction.
I really struggle to accept that I have so many "classic indicators" of a survivor of sexual abuse. I struggle because even after 15 months seeing a therapist, and I still want to deny that it was so bad - some days it takes her to remind me - she reminds me that I struggled to get away, she reminds me that I had no control when he came in my room, she reminds me that they pinned me down. And still I get so scared that I try to justify what happened - I don't want him to get in trouble. I love him but I hate him.
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