Yoga block

This week has been hard. It's been super busy starting a new job, juggling the needs of others while trying to meet what I need to stay well. The youngest minion is embracing his new life and opportunities at High School by joining groups and attending after school events - which means no buses and trips over there to collect him and ferry him to the next event.
And on top of that was the therapy session - the one that seemed pretty low key. But it wasn't. Because I came away from there angry. so angry it exhausted me to the point of crawling into bed when I got home and sleeping for an hour. So angry that I stayed awake in the early hours of the morning, listening to Lily Allen's Fuck You. OVER and OVER and OVER.
Who was I angry with? I was able to compile a list today - once I had calmed enough down to be rational enough to think. My list went like this.

 I am angry with:

Rebecca
My mum
With Susan
My life
The world
The universe.

So maybe the label "rational" is stretching this a bit.

Now this is the bit where we get to the yoga mat. The bright orange yoga mat. My sanctuary. My space where I have learnt to tune into myself, to feel, to trust my mind, body and spirit. But today I am angry with my mat. I refused to get out of bed and get on it this morning. I stayed in bed so long I had no choice but to step over it with disdain as I got ready for work. I stepped over it and thought it was such a stupid fucking colour. I stomped over it as I returned and thought that I was so stupid to be so attached to an inanimate object. I was angry at the mat. And at yoga. And at myself.

I went to the beach for 1 1/2 hours this evening. I sat and then stood on the rocks for this time, reflecting on these feelings, thinking about what I was feeling and why. I focused on the energy beneath my feet, within the rocks, around me on the wind and in the waves and above me in the rays of the sun. I tried to breathe, to connect to all of these things, to connect to myself, to let go as I have done in that same place many times before. But all I could feel was the anger swirling within me, the tenseness in my jaw, in my back and hips, and especially in the clenched fists that would not relax. And I realised that the anger is irrational, that I don't understand it, that it scares me. I could not just let it go - because I don't understand what it is that I need to let go.

And this is the block that stops me getting on the mat. It is fear. Irrational fear. Fear of the irrational anger. Because I don't know if I want to understand this anger, I don't know if I want to let it go, I don't know if I am ready to understand the emotions beneath, the emotions which the anger covers. And it is knowledge. The knowledge that the mat is a place where my understanding grows and expands. It is where I am connected with myself mind, body and spirit. But right now it is that very connection that I am afraid of.